Skip to main content

Fear for Naught

When the locum doing my delivery informed me that I would probably, ultimately, need a C-section, I had burst into tears.  One of my greatest fears associated with the pitocin-epidural-C-section (so I had read) was a reduction in the quality and immediacy of the "bonding" experience between drugged-up-mommy and newborn baby.  I carried this fear with me, tucked inside the recesses of my mind, throughout the rest of my delivery and into the days and weeks following Baby Loquacious's birth.

Nagging little lies and doubts, the kind that only the devil itself would accuse me with, would sometimes creep into my conscious and give me pause.  To my own detriment, I would sometimes entertain these in my mind, and question the quality of Baby L's bond with me.  What if she regards me as just another person who gives her hugs?  What if she doesn't know that I'm her mommy?  What if she bonds with someone else more than with me?

Well, a week ago any fear that I had about Baby L not bonding properly with me was put to rest, as I looked at her snot and tear-stained face before she buried her head in my shoulder and sobbed.

Last Monday, when I attended a Zumba class with my sis and Hubbs worked late, my in-laws volunteered to watch Baby L for just a couple of hours in the evening.  After kissing my girl good-bye and promising that I would return home soon, I slipped out the door and was away for a full two hours.

When I returned, I opened the door to be greeted by the gut-wrenching, desperate shrieking cries of my darling daughter, a sound I had never heard up until this point.  She was being held and rocked by my mother-in-law but was refusing to be comforted.  I asked what had happened (and simultaneously dropped everything to go and retrieve her), and was told that after being happy for most of the evening, Baby L suddenly noticed that her parents (in particular her mommy) were conspicuously absent, and went ballistic.  My MIL had tried her best to distract and entertain but Baby L was not to be consoled.

The moment I came near to my MIL, Baby L extended her arms toward me in a desperate reach for her momma.  Never had she clung so hard to me as she did when I took her into my arms.  Her little face was wet and red and covered in tears and snot, and her eyes were so swollen from crying that they were narrow slits.  Immediately the sobbing changed from one of anxiety and anguish to one of relief, and as she nestled her face into the space where my neck meets my shoulder, I wrapped my arms tight around her body, which was still heaving from her cries.

I didn't wait for more explanation, nor did I bother with any further chit-chat.  As comforting words were whispered into her ear, I rushed her to the privacy of our bedroom so that I could comfort her with my breast.  It took her quite a few minutes to calm down, and all the while, as I stroked her cheek and patted her back and held her close, I thought about my big ol' fear that she wouldn't bond with me because I hadn't pushed her out of my womb the old-fashioned way.

In hindsight, how naive and silly were my fears! Of course my little girl would bond with me!  I love her, and I nurse her, and I lavish my attention on her day and night.  I am there when she wakes up, and I am there when she goes to sleep.  My familiar scent envelopes her and brings her comfort, and my breasts provide her with her favourite custom-made beverage in the entire world.  She is forever covered in my kisses and her ears are filled with the sounds of my voice as I sing to her and coo out loving words to her heart.

She is my daughter.  I am her mommy.  And we are bonded in a way that is uniquely ours, and designed by God the Creator.

And so my fears are vanquished.  In fact, they were for naught.  And now the delightful truth of our reality extinguishes any doubts that were in my mind.  The devil has lost its foothold in my heart, and I will fear no more. 
Arrgh! Where's my mommy? I'm a pirate!


mazoola said…
very lovely post!

for the majority of the time i love being THE first love of my little man.

But, there are times when he just needs to watch me leave the room or not be within sight or touch for 5 minutes and he starts crying. it can be a bit much! i can't wait for this separation anxiety to go away and the essence of object permanence to establish itself
Beautiful post! You gave me chills and tears. The bond really is amazing.
Mrs. Loquacious said…
@Mazoola - I know what you mean about it being a bit much sometimes. When I want a small break and for Baby L to be content with Hubbs and she is constantly asking for me, it really cramps my style.

@April - Thanks! :) I agree that the mommy-child bond is like no other.

Popular posts from this blog

Gone with the FLLO - Traveling with the Clek FLLO

In previous posts, I've already detailed the awesomeness of Clek's FLLO seat, so no need for redundancy here. The true test of its greatness lies in how well it travels, since it is meant to be a "compact" and more portable version of the gargantuan FOONF.

Now, to be clear, we purchased a Clek WEELEE bag to transport our car seat on our flight to and from Maui, *and* we checked our car seat with our airline, which I know is a big CPS Tech no-no. They argue that any car seat that has been checked is as good as crashed, because the potential rough handling of the seat by the carrier compromises its integrity and could damage it internally. My experience (now that I've done it) is this:

a) The Weelee bag is very well padded and sturdy. Once I had the seat properly placed inside the bag, I felt that it was as good as any seat in a styrofoam-packaged box. The bonus, of course, is that unlike a box, the Weelee has a telescopic handle and deeply-grooved, rugged wheels, …

Outgrow. Outlast. - The Finale of Our BF Journey

To be completely honest, I almost didn't write this post. While I'm usually fairly open about my opinions and parenting choices, I've held this one pretty close to the vest in recent years, because it is a more controversial - and personal- decision than most others. Sadly, it is one that many Western mothers are also unfairly judged for, despite it being completely natural in many other parts of our world.

The choice: full-term, aka "extended," breastfeeding. Little L and I chose to continue our nursing journey beyond age 2, and 3, and even 4. In fact, we only weaned a couple of weeks ago. We had already stopped nursing in public and nursing on demand several years earlier, but it was only recently that Little L was ready to completely wean from her nighttime and early morning sessions; she had finally outgrown her need to drink from my milk. The most clear signs of this were her growing desire for "privacy" and alone time, and her "nye-nye"

An Eyeliner Switcheroo

For the past several years, I've been a very loyal Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Eye Liner fan. I mean, I use the stuff every single day, and I like to do dramatic wings on my eyes, so I need a quality eyeliner that is high pigment, won't smear, and has an amazing fine-tipped brush that will let me draw my eyeliner wings to a very long, dramatic tip. My standards are exacting when it comes to liquid liner. 

That said, my wallet hates me for it. Those amazing liners cost $30 a pop, and they only last a couple of months at the rate that I use them. 
So, as any responsible adult tries to do, I've attempted to save money and find a cheaper alternative. I've used all sorts of liners sent by IPSY, or bought at my local drugstore. Unfortunately, every attempt I've made has resulted in great regret. The brush applicator was too wide or too short. The eyeliner smudged too easily. The pigment wasn't dark enough. You get the idea.
However, I think I've finally found m…