Skip to main content

Am I or Am I Not

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.

This is a matter near and dear to me, since I've been there, sort of. I've not written about it much, but those who know us in person know our story.

And our story is this: we tried for over two years to get pregnant and were unsuccessful. Tests came back normal, so the docs had no explanation for our troubles. Usually, after a year of fruitless trying, a couple is deemed to have fertility challenges. We ended up seeking medical interventions to assist us.

However, I am obviously not entirely infertile; Little L is living proof of that. She was not conceived in an entirely natural way though. I was taking ovulation pills and Hubbs' little swimmers were artificially planted inside me (after first being "washed" for the mutant swimmers). We were in our second cycle of intrauterine insemination when she was conceived.

So I understand the heartbreak of empty arms, the bittersweetness of celebrating another's good news while we longed for our own positive pee tests, and the frustration of "scheduled" sexy times to try to capitalize on ovulation days. I've charted and inspected various bodily fluids for signs of ovulating, and endured many an invasive and embarrassing test at the doctor's clinic. I have felt the disappointment, the failure, and the anger of getting my period again and again. I get all of that.

But I've also known the joy of finally seeing two lines on the stick, the excitement of announcing her impending arrival, and the unspeakably awesome privilege of carrying her in my body. I have celebrated the kicks in the womb and the nuzzles of a newborn against my chest. In receiving her warm kisses and chubby hands on my face these days, so much of the former hurts and disappointments have melted away like the winter snow.

But does that mean I am no longer infertile? What happens when we try to give Little L a baby sibling? I am not sure if this next time will suddenly be easier to conceive, or if we will find ourselves sitting in the fertility clinic again.

Some say that if one has experienced infertility, then even after a successful pregnancy they are still considered infertile. Others would argue that a pregnancy nullifies any claim of infertility.

I'm not big on assigning myself a label anyway, but I do find that I don't quite belong in either world. I hope not to garner resentment from those who currently still grieve their lack of procreating success, but if I was still without Little L I might hate me just a little. On the flip side, I will probably never know the ease of getting pregnant without a scheduled procedure. I may not naturally be fertile.

I'm not sure what my point is, except that I do want to acknowledge that this week is meant to raise awareness about infertility, a plight that has not only affected us, but several other couples who we know and love.

And I want those who are still longing for a family to know that I've been there too, and I am praying for you. It's not fair and it really sucks, and I'm so sorry you have to go through it. :(



Comments

Thank you for sharing this. I adore you Mrs L. Xx

Popular posts from this blog

Gone with the FLLO - Traveling with the Clek FLLO

In previous posts, I've already detailed the awesomeness of Clek's FLLO seat, so no need for redundancy here. The true test of its greatness lies in how well it travels, since it is meant to be a "compact" and more portable version of the gargantuan FOONF.

Now, to be clear, we purchased a Clek WEELEE bag to transport our car seat on our flight to and from Maui, *and* we checked our car seat with our airline, which I know is a big CPS Tech no-no. They argue that any car seat that has been checked is as good as crashed, because the potential rough handling of the seat by the carrier compromises its integrity and could damage it internally. My experience (now that I've done it) is this:

a) The Weelee bag is very well padded and sturdy. Once I had the seat properly placed inside the bag, I felt that it was as good as any seat in a styrofoam-packaged box. The bonus, of course, is that unlike a box, the Weelee has a telescopic handle and deeply-grooved, rugged wheels, …

Outgrow. Outlast. - The Finale of Our BF Journey

To be completely honest, I almost didn't write this post. While I'm usually fairly open about my opinions and parenting choices, I've held this one pretty close to the vest in recent years, because it is a more controversial - and personal- decision than most others. Sadly, it is one that many Western mothers are also unfairly judged for, despite it being completely natural in many other parts of our world.

The choice: full-term, aka "extended," breastfeeding. Little L and I chose to continue our nursing journey beyond age 2, and 3, and even 4. In fact, we only weaned a couple of weeks ago. We had already stopped nursing in public and nursing on demand several years earlier, but it was only recently that Little L was ready to completely wean from her nighttime and early morning sessions; she had finally outgrown her need to drink from my milk. The most clear signs of this were her growing desire for "privacy" and alone time, and her "nye-nye"

An Eyeliner Switcheroo

For the past several years, I've been a very loyal Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Eye Liner fan. I mean, I use the stuff every single day, and I like to do dramatic wings on my eyes, so I need a quality eyeliner that is high pigment, won't smear, and has an amazing fine-tipped brush that will let me draw my eyeliner wings to a very long, dramatic tip. My standards are exacting when it comes to liquid liner. 

That said, my wallet hates me for it. Those amazing liners cost $30 a pop, and they only last a couple of months at the rate that I use them. 
So, as any responsible adult tries to do, I've attempted to save money and find a cheaper alternative. I've used all sorts of liners sent by IPSY, or bought at my local drugstore. Unfortunately, every attempt I've made has resulted in great regret. The brush applicator was too wide or too short. The eyeliner smudged too easily. The pigment wasn't dark enough. You get the idea.
However, I think I've finally found m…