Perhaps it was the hormones, and some might say it was postpartum depression, but personally I think I was simply grieving at that moment. We wanted Baby L, I wanted Baby L, but I was naive in thinking that my life would only change in some superficial ways once she arrived. There was no way for me, in my childless arrogance, to really fathom the extent and depth that being a mother would change me and all of my life. The reality that things were never going to be the same again really sunk in when I returned home to our DINK apartment in ritzy Coal Harbour, and though the setting had remained relatively unchanged, I felt different. I was different. And so, in my own way, I was mourning the passing of life as I had known it, and with it, my identity as a childless married woman, a fertility-challenged woman, a career woman.
As I sit sipping my coffee (the second one of the day) while Hubbs and Baby L are off for a noon-hour walk, I am afforded an opportunity to reflect. And this is good, because I need to constantly remind myself of God's goodness and sovereignty in my life. He is good.
In days that came after that first shower, I would come to regard our apartment, our space, as a constant and sometimes painful reminder of a freer, more decadent life that we had enjoyed. The granite, the stainless, the narrow halls and fancy shops - these no longer fit who we were becoming. It was also far too cramped for the three of us there as Baby L's possessions multiplied, and the atmosphere of the neighborhood was decidedly un-kid-friendly. Though we were reluctant to move because we loved our home and neighbours and we cringed at the thought of packing and unpacking and dealing with a move process with a newborn babe, the time had come.
God knew. He knew we needed more space. He knew we needed to connect with other families with young children. He knew that we needed to be in a space that was close to water, close to green play areas, and away from all of the reminders of a life pre-baby.
So He provided, as He always does (despite our never deserving it). He brought us to Yaletown, to literally across the street from friends who would become our small group leaders, to a home with much more storage, much more space, and near every amenity that we had wanted. He provided a home in a family-friendly setting where we would never have imagined living. He gave us the water, the Aquabus, the park, and He did so within our means. PTL.
My reflection comes on the heels of my very dear friend, who is expecting her baby any day now, texting with me last night. I remember sitting on my bouncy ball anxiously awaiting Baby L's coming, not having any idea of any of this that was to come. She is in that place now, the one fraught with anticipation and worry and hope and maybe a little bit of fear mingled in. I told her to enjoy, to live in the moment of these last days of this life as she knows it, and my prayer for her is that as she embraces the new normal and bids farewell to her life as a DINK, she too would remember to marvel at God's goodness and sovereignty in her life, and to find rest in Him.
As for man, his days are like grass;
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
and its place knows it no more.
But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
and his righteousness to children’s children,to those who keep his covenant
and remember to do his commandments.
The Lord has established his throne in the heavens,
and his kingdom rules over all.Ps. 103:15-19